Coffee and Therapy
by englishpetal
Summary: Abby and Sam bump into each other on the way to therapy and decide to blow it off instead. Friendship fic, not shipper. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own ER or any of it's characters, but I do own this story, etc, etc…

Author's Note: This is an Abby/Sam fanfic because they're just aren't enough about. I've read some spoilers for next season and put my own perspective on them, so please don't take what I've written as what will actually happen. It will probably be a oneshot, but who knows? Anyway, read, enjoy and please review – even if it's not very nice! Love, Petal x

Coffee and Therapy.

She walked across the Chicago River Bridge, the sun beaming down on her face and pulled her coat tightly around her, sunny it was, warm it wasn't. It was only the beginning of November but winter came early in Chicago and it long outstayed it's welcome.

Being born in Minnesota was supposed to prepare Abby for a lifetime of long, dark winters but she loved the summer and always would do. She missed the entire 2006 summer because she was cooped up inside with her newborn son; she had wanted nothing more than to show him the world outside his incubator, to parade him in front of strangers in the street and for them to tell her how beautiful he was, she would be the protective mother who covered him up with a gigantic sunhat and smothered him with SPF 50, but it didn't happen. Instead her poor baby was treated to day after day of monitors, tests and being poked and prodded by every doctor and nurse in the NICU.

And now, that he was home and safe with her and his father, she wanted nothing more than to escape from him, to run anywhere that he wasn't and hide until she was ready to come out again.

"What kind of mother am I?"

* * *

She walked across the Chicago River Bridge, blinded by the bright sun and regretting the fifth vodka she'd had the night before and the fact that she'd turned down the offer of being driven to her appointment. The myth of fresh air being good for a hangover was really biting her in the ass now.

She had lied to Alex, told him that she wasn't feeling well and then locked herself in her bedroom and sat in the dark with a bottle of vodka. She didn't want to be here, in the outside world, where she has to face the reality of what has happened, she just wanted to run and hide from everything, including Alex. Sam wiped a tear from her cheek, and asked herself

"What kind of mother am I?"

* * *

Sam looked up and saw a familiar face walking towards her, looking as lost as she was, "Hey you, how are you?"

Abby looked stunned and then broke into a smile, "Do you know that you are the first person in six months to ask me how I am, before anything else?"

"Well, no I didn't but I can't say I'm surprised, you did know that once you become a mother no one is even vaguely interested in your well-being any more."

"I do now. How are you?" Abby reached out to hug her.

Sam reciprocated and then broke the embrace and let her stare drift off into the distance, "You know, taking it slow, one day at a time ... I'm good ... really." She diverted her attention back to Abby. "So, how are you?"

"About as good as you, by the looks of it, you look like you haven't slept in a month."

"Well then I must look pretty good 'cause I haven't slept in six", Sam fought back some more tears. "So anyway, where are you off to?"

Abby tried to ignore Sam's obvious distress and answer her question, "I am on my way to yet another hour-long session with my highly qualified, amazingly well trained, bitch of a 'woman's counsellor', because I just enjoy our time together so much. And you?"

"Believe it or not, I am on my way to my incredibly overpriced, obsessive compulsive and passive aggressive therapist who I truly believe needs to be sectioned, for the same reason as my life could not get back to normal without her. Apparently."

Abby laughed, "You know we could really save a fortune by going somewhere else, that's ... warm."

"And that is ... inside, where it's shaded."

"And that has ... coffee."

"Yes, lots and lots of coffee."

* * *

"Thank you." Abby smiled graciously at the handsome waiter, as he placed their lattes, bagels and muffins on the table.

"No problem, really not at all." He winked at Sam before turning on his heel and walking back to the counter.

Abby feeling slightly offended, cheesily winked at Sam. "What?" Sam asked.

"Nothing, I'm just the one who was all flirty and smilely and he just ignored me and went right for you. Not that I can blame him, I bet he smells the baby smell, well that and I'm probably old enough to be his mother!"

"Oh please, you're just being self-conscious, you look great and smell great and you are not old! How old are you anyway? I mean I know you're older than the other R3s, but you can't really tell."

"Yeah right, I went out for a drink once with Ray after work, and some little chica thought I was his aunt! I couldn't believe it! That was the last time I ever went out with him! And by the way, I'm 38."

"Really? God, you do not look 38, and I'm not saying that to make you feel better and I'm also not implying that 38 is old, you're just a bit older than I thought you were."

"You mean like 10 years older than you, Little Miss Could-Pass-For-21-If-I-Wanted-To. Lucky Bitch." She chuckled quietly.

"Er, not quite and it's not lucky when all Alex wants is for me to look 'just like the other moms'. And look, I did it, we were having a nice little chat and I managed to break our one and only rule by bringing up the offspring."

"Actually, I think I did with the baby smell, sorry about that."

"So, seeing as it came up, how are you doing with Joe? And don't feel like you have to tell me if you don't want to, and if you do, there's no need to sugar-coat it or straight out lie, remember I've been there, I know it's not all smiles and giggles and 'Oh isn't he cute's." Sam looked at Abby with sympathetic eyes.

"It's amazing, having him home and being able to be a real mom, feeding him and changing him, he looks so much healthier and he's putting weight on every day, Luka's great with him, such a natural, he walks into the room and Joe just stops and stares at him in awe." She paused and sighed under her breath. "And it's so hard, he is just this tiny little person and he relies on us for everything, and I can't provide that, I never know what he wants when he cries or makes a noise, it all sounds the same to me. Luka knows, my mother knows, every nurse in that damn NICU knew what he wanted and how he was feeling by the end and I never know. And I don't know how I'm supposed to, he doesn't talk and I can't possibly understand him. But every other fucking person who meets him does." Abby put her head in her hands and stared downwards at the table.

Sam leaned across to touch her hand. "You're seeing the therapist for PPD." She whispered, it wasn't a question.

"Uh-huh. Luka scheduled me appointments before he was even out of the hospital, because of the stressful nature of our situation and my genetic predisposition. I didn't want to go but I figured that with the number of patients that I've referred to Psych, it's about time that I practise what I preach."

"Is it helping?"

"I don't know, it needs time and patience, it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, but it's not exactly a laugh riot either."

"I get it. Therapy can be tough, and long. Why were you scared, what were you afraid of?" Sam questioned, not knowing if she really wanted the answer.

"That I'd become my mother, all these years of trying to be anything but, and I just felt like, if I admitted that I had a problem, again, when all I should really be concerned with is taking care of this beautiful baby, I would have failed. Whenever I've failed before I've only failed myself, but now I would have failed him too, and he doesn't deserve that, not after everything he's been through already."

"Your mom's bipolar?"

"Yeah, you don't need to be shy about it, it's not a state secret, I think everybody knows."

"I've heard rumours, but I try not to listen to the rumour mill, although it's hard being a nurse and all, we are gossip-mongers."

Abby smiled. "Yep, I don't think we ever lose that, I'm still a nurse at heart too when it comes to discussing other people's personal lives." She leaned back for a moment, and finished her drink. "We need more lattes, now where is that sexy toyboy of mine?"

Sam laughed, "He's over there, feeding lines to those college girls, I guess his love for me didn't last very long."

* * *

Sam looked at the clock and noticed that she had been sitting here with Abby for almost two hours and that they had been making general small talk for the past hour and a half. She also noticed that no one was worried that they were missing. "Was Luka expecting you home by now, because I was supposed to be home and Richard hasn't called me."

"Ah, Richard, your knight in shining armour if ever there was one. And no, Luka told me to go do some shopping or go for a walk or to go join the circus, I think he just wanted me out of the apartment. But seriously, what is the deal with Richard? This mysterious rich older man who you decide to move in with on the spur of the moment, if I didn't know you better, I'd think that you had 'Anna Nicole' written all over you." Abby stretched her legs out and sat back in her chair munching on a bagel.

"Well it wasn't exactly spur of the moment, I gave it a lot of thought. At the time it was mainly because I needed the money, and he was offering a hell of a lot more than County salary, plus free accommodation and everything. And plus, we get on really well, better than I've ever gotten on with a boss." Except maybe Luka, Sam thought, but that's probably not the best thing to say to Abby.

"Oh yeah, how well?" Abby teased.

"Dear God, it will never be a romantic relationship, I don't think either one of us wants that, after all I will probably watch him get sicker and sicker until one day I watch him die." Sam's face fell and her eyes welled up. "He has been so supportive of me, these past months, I mean, he employed me to be his nurse and after everything happened, we did a complete role reversal. He has been taking care of me, and making sure that Alex is okay, he's the one who persuaded me to go to therapy for PTSD, he's given me time and space and he's there if I want to talk and yet I just can't lean on him." Sam, stopped and let the tears roll freely down her cheeks. "I don't want to talk about what happened with him, I don't know if it's because he's a man, or because I don't really know him, or because I just don't trust anyone right now. But I haven't been able to say it since I asked Kerry to do the exam the day after it happened, I can't talk about in my sessions and I can't look Alex in the eye without thinking how horrified he must be about having to see that. I just want to forget that it ever happened, and I can't, it's there in my mind every day and it won't leave. I have these images, and I hear the noises, all that screaming, and I remember the way it felt, so forced and unnatural and how I couldn't stop it. It was so violating." Sam took a deep breath and met Abby's eyes. "And I just feel so dirty all the time."

A single tear ran down Abby's nose and onto her bottom lip before being joined by many more. "Oh Sam, I had no idea, I knew about the kidnapping and the shooting but I didn't know that he hurt you like that. I didn't know that he had raped you."

That one word just shattered Sam completely, the word that she refused to utter, the one thing that she believed the father of her child would never do to her. She started sobbing, loudly, so that the entire coffee place turned to look at her. Abby moved from her chair into the one right next to Sam and placed Sam's head on her shoulder and pulled her close. "I am so sorry. Oh Sam, I am so sorry. It's gonna be okay." Abby's body shuddered as she cried. "Everything is going to be alright. I'm here for you. I'll be here for you." And the whole restaurant looked on as the two distraught women broke down in each other's arms.

* * *

As they stopped at the entrance to the park, where they would go their separate ways, Sam turned to face Abby and smiled. "Thank you, for letting me talk. I needed it."

"No. Thank you, for letting me talk. It was easier talking to you, than to anybody else, you've been really great. I think you're my best friend." Abby laughed a little as she started to cry. "Oh God, I'm off again."

"Yeah, I don't think that they're ever letting us back in that coffee house. But I know what you mean, it was really easy and nice talking to you, letting it all out."

"Well that sums me up in two words doesn't it, 'nice and easy' ?"

Sam pulled her in for one more hug. "You are truly one of a kind, you know that Abby? And you're gonna be okay, you will get through this because you are a wonderful, strong person and you don't need to be that Super-Mom that you've invented in your head because it doesn't exist. All we can do is try to do our best. And I know you will."

"Right back at ya! And you are going to be fine, it's just gonna take some time, but what happened to you just not dictate who you are. It was one horrible, horrible day but you will get through this because you have people around you who love you, including me."

"Thank you, I love you too." She paused and both women looked across the park at the happiness and laughter, and all the children with their parents, and all the loved up teenagers out on dates, and they realised that life moves on. Because it has to, so they have to also.

"I should be getting back. I'm sure even a saint like Luka is out of patience now. But please call me if you ever need anything or just need to talk."

"I will, and that goes for you too, if you ever need me, you know where I am."

And so they nodded at each other before turning and walking away in opposite directions, both hoping that this new found friendship was only the beginning.


End file.
